Dear Sam’s Club

I don’t go to Sam’s Club or Wal-Mart. I avoid the former, because it has a membership fee and the latter because of their horrible reputation (and based on my own experiences). I suppose Sam’s Club should be proscribed for the same reasons, but I had my reasons for bending my own principles. I had a day pass coupon on my latest phone book and I needed a product only available at Sam’s Club. So I went to get some of that and while I was there, I decided I would see what I could find that might save some money.

The short answer? Nothing. I found a couple of food items I don’t find in my local stores but everything else offered less choice/a smaller selection with the dilemma of what to do with the supersized quantities. Even basics like laundry soap were no cheaper than Fred Meyer. Gas was cheaper, I’ll grant you that: $2.83 for regular beats anything I have seen around town, though not by much.

Facial tissues? Can’t get large ones without lotion embedded and not all of us can tolerate that. The small boxes were no savings and require me to find a place to store 10 boxes. Hint: when every package seems to bear the legend “ideal for vending” or “labeled for resale” I realize I am not part of the desired market for these stores. And the other items — soups, condiments, even baking supplies — were all one brand, massive quantity. This is capitalism?

I noted that every variety of Coca-Cola product was available, and the candy/cookie selections were quite robust. I’m not sure it’s a very sensible place to shop, if you’re looking for a balanced diet.

I really tried. I walked all the aisles but I was confronted with no choices — they didn’t have what I wanted — or a limited one — I could get what I needed but far more than I needed.

And how to put it delicately? Your clientele were all very generously-proportioned people. Almost everyone I saw could stand to lose 50 or more pounds. I’m by no means a paragon of physical fitness — I realize I’ll never get down to 6-pack abs but I’m shooting for less than a pony keg — but I can’t help thinking the abundance of food is driving the abundance of physical size. I try to tell myself the shoppers have large families or run a group home but looking at them makes it hard. Their families — no more numerous than mine — are going to eat all that stuff and they’ll be back for more.

I am trying to shop more frequently and buy less/fresher as a way of improving the quality of the food here and support local growers. I have to think the warehouse store model is both undermining small local growers — there’s no way they can grow enough to be regular suppliers to a big retailer — as well as the health of their own customers. I could see a cardiologist reviewing purchases at the end of each checkstand and removing a lot of the cart’s contents for many customers.

A lot of this is based on my own quirks: I can’t see buying a box of muffins when I can make them, and I would never make them so large or with such unhealthy ingredients. There are an awful lot of prepared foods in there. In the time it takes to get to a Sam’s Club and navigate through it, you could invest in some better quality food closer to home.

So between the illusion of choice — you get one brand of a given product, in many cases — the huge containers (a gallon of mayonnaise? how long will that take to get through?), and the few locations that require more driving/gas use, I have to say there’s no advantage. What is billed as one-stop, everything-under-one-roof is actually a huge specialty retailer.

So thanks for the guest pass, but I think it’s a “no sale” on the membership offer.